Congressional Candidate Makes Virtue-Signaling Adult Videos to No One’s Delight

News & Politics

If there was ever a reason I wanted to end the porn industry, this is it.

Mike Itkis, a far-left New York City commie hoping to replace the current pinko, Jerry Nadler, in Congress, is so sex-positive that merely talking about it isn’t enough. He decided that, to prove his dedication, he would pay a much younger, much more attractive porn actress to have sex with him, twice, to show people just how much the “cause” means to him.

He wants to legalize “sex work,” so he decided: what better way to prove that than to pay someone who would likely never has sex with him to have sex with him?

“If I would just talk about it, it wouldn’t demonstrate my commitment to the issue. And the fact I actually did it was a huge learning experience, and it actually influenced items on my platform,” Itkis “humbly bragged.”

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I defy you to look at that man and not start singing, “Every breath you take / Every move you make / I’ll be watching you.”

FACT-O-RAMA! The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” was the #1 song in Canada and the U.S. in 1983. For years, people have calimed the song is about a stalker. To this day, the song writer, Sting, makes roughly $2,000 a day just off of royalties from this tune.

Itkis shot his amateur video in two locations, meaning he’d get to boff actress Sage twice, you know, “for the cause.”

OPINION-O-RAMA! Amateur porn is typically made by people who are too ugly to do “real” porn but are too damaged to stop trying.

Itkis uploaded his creepy video to a site called Pornhub. I won’t link it here, but if you must see it, you can search his title “Bucket List Bonanza” on the site. If you must.

If you are a person who enjoys “adult romance” films with your partner, I suggest you dodge this like Nancy Pelosi avoids “Sober October.” This video has all the sex appeal of chemical castration.

The video starts with Sage claiming she is not using drugs or alcohol as she is making the tape, which is mind-boggling because I can’t see a woman getting through this without a vat of whiskey or a huge, under-the-toenail shot of heroin.

I want to point out that I was disgusted merely watching Itkis kiss the porn actress, though what followed is obviously truly reprehensible. If Itkis could bottle his performance, he could make millions selling it as birth control.

The first blast to the senses is when we see Itkis naked in all his dad mom-bod glory. Unlike Sage, Itkis couldn’t be bothered to prepare for his porn debut by investing in a diet, stair-master class, or even a bottle of fake tan. I also suggest Itkis look into breast reduction surgery.

FACT-O-RAMA! Now that I’ve seen the video, I can attest to the “shortcomings” that kept Itkis from pursuing a career in adult films.

But wait. My grandmother taught me to never speak negatively of people, so I’m going to take this article in a positive direction now.

There are plenty of reasons to watch a pasty, serial-killer-looking creep engage in coitus exploit-us. Here are a few:

  • You don’t want any more kids.
  • You are angry you missed John Fetterman’s porn debut.
  • You are turned on by Uncle Fester.

The video has garnered roughly 1,000 “likes” and 1,000 “dislikes.” Notably, there is no button to vote “vomit.”

This viewer’s comment is priceless: “meh, I [was] hoping for more action. The camera angles suck and no money shot. Come on man if you want to run for congress learn how to f*** one person before you try to f*** millions.

If the plan was to garner attention for his campaign, Itkis has flopped. As of this writing, he only has 250 followers on Twitter. He also has 192 subscribers on Pornhub, meaning there are 192 people who can’t wait to see “Bucket List Bonanza 2 — Electric Boogaloo.”

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